Slow Play - The Scourge of Golf!

Please let me finish my round before the snow falls!

First off, let it be known there's almost no place I'd rather be than a golf course. That being said, it doesn't mean I want to spend more than four hours playing a round of golf - check that, no more than three and a half.

For me, golf is a game of flow - a game of rhythm. And nothing breaks that rhythm more than a lack of basic etiquette from slow-playing golfers who insist on ignoring the obvious - that being the fact they are holding up play.

The other day, for example, I played Leslie Park Golf Course in Ann Arbor, relatively carefree for 12 holes. Then, on the 13th tee, I ran into a twosome - one in a cart, one on foot - who took more than 10 minutes to hit their approach shots to the green. 

"No problem," I thought to myself, "I'll just play through when I catch them on the next tee. Well, by the next tee the walker had joined his partner on the cart in an effort to speed up their pace. 

"Good," I thought. "Problem solved." Normally a twosome in a cart is equivalent to one player walking. But not so with this twosome. For the remainder of the round, with no one in front of them, and no one behind me, I was forced to wait on every single shot. 

As luck would have it, the offending twosome stopped by the putting green near the 18th hole to practice even more following their round (I guess the numerous occasions they hit more than one ball during their round, despite the fact I was waiting behind them, wasn't enough practice). But that was okay because it gave me a golden opportunity to confront them after I finished my round.

They must have sensed my frustration because when I approached one of the players with steam rolling off my collar the first thing he did was apologize for holding me up. This was a real head scratcher. If you knew you were holding me up, then why in the hell didn't you just wave me through?

At any rate, I told the fellow it was perfectly fine to wave faster players through, in fact, preferential - especially when there is nothing but open real estate in front of him and behind me.

So what constitutes slow play? How do you know if you are a slow player? 

Let's face it. Slow play is like being a bad driver (car, not a golf ball). Nobody thinks they're a bad driver, even if they are, and nobody thinks they're a slow golfer. But are you?

To help you find out, Here's a test you can take, much akin to the "you just might be redneck" quiz made popular by Jeff Foxworthy.

1) Do you take more than one practice swing on anything other than a shot of less than 100-yards? If you do, you just might be a slow golfer.

2) Do you drive a golf cart, rather than walk? Sounds crazy, but you just might be a slow golfer.

3) If you do play your rounds from a cart, do you wait for your partner to hit his shot before driving to your ball? If you do, you just might be a slow golfer.

4) Do you stand in one spot while putting your headcover back on your driver, rather than walking, or driving to your ball while completing the task? If the answer is yes, you just might be a slow player.

5) Do you put your bag, or park the cart, on the opposite side of the green from the next tee's location? If you answered yes, you just might be a slow player.

6) Do you ever find yourself driving the cart back toward the tee box instead of toward the green? (I'm amazed at how many times I see golfers in carts, I thought were out of range, suddenly heading back toward the tee box for no apparent reason, giving me even more head-scratching moments). If you do, then you just might be a slow golfer.

7) Does your twosome take more than 3 hours and 15 minutes to play a round of golf? (and that's on foot) If yes is your answer, then you just might be a slow golfer. If you play longer than that as a twosome in a cart, then you are a slow golfer!

8) Do you find it necessary to stop at the turn to grab a bite to eat even when there are golfers behind you? If you answered yes, then you not only are a slow golfer, you don't have any etiquette either.

9) Do you line up every putt from three different angles as if you were playing in the U.S. Open and plum bob 3-footers even though you don't know what the hell plum bobbing is or how it works? If yes is the answer, then you might be a slow player.

10) Do you hit mulligans on more than just the first tee and do you write down your score before the leaving the green, or God forbid, stand by the hole while looking back toward the tee while trying to recall each shot (all 10 of them) by counting with your finger in a ziggity-zag fashion from the brutal 50-yard sideways tee shot, to the three you left in the bunker, to the four-putts you took from 15 feet?

If you answered yes to this one, you already know the answer.

So folks, let's speed up play by eliminating those four practice swings on every shot (you only have so many swings in a lifetime, why waste em?) and counting your strokes on the green and lining up those two footers. Move toward the green at all times. You don't have to be by your partner when he hits his shot, you can be by your ball and still watch. It's called "ready golf." It's a cool concept where players hit their shots in short succession, thus speeding up play, and it works everywhere on the course - even on the greens!

Put your clubs back into the bag while walking to your next shot. Visualize what you're going to do before you even get there, then you can pull the trigger much quicker and stay in the flow. It works, try it.

And most importantly remember this, it's only a game and you're probably not as good as you think. So as my good friend John once said (and he was a good player). "Miss it quick!"